There’s so much buzz and maybe even a little controversy around the topic of whether or not moms should yell at their kids. Tons of articles are floating around the internet telling moms how and why they should stop yelling. I’m actually one of those parenting bloggers who’ve written quite a bit on this topic but I want to set the record straight.
I don’t believe the real focus of the conversation should be on moms not yelling… without any context, of course. Why? Because moms yell at their kids, or at the family pug for that matter, for an endless list of reasons.
The cold, hard truth is motherhood can be painfully hard some days. And when you combine the behavioral issues of our kids, our own emotional challenges and seriously crappy days – yelling seems like an inevitable occurrence.
I probably used to yell at my kids on some level at least once every day. That’s a lot! And I really hated how I felt as a mom. Sure, I also had many great days, but those sweet moments always got overshadowed by a dark storm cloud of yelling at some point.
That’s because over time yelling seemed to morph into how I communicated everything. Normal yelling like when you’re running late and need to announce it upstairs to the whole house at once and angry yelling like when my kids started an argument in the living room over what to watch on Netflix – all began to run together.
I’m convinced that if there was a way to measure the stress hormones surging through my body in those days, mine would’ve been off the charts! I was always running on a 10 and found it very hard to be in a state of calm or ever be relaxed or playful with my kids. There was always too much to do to slow down… or at least that’s what I thought back then.
What’s Really Behind All The Yelling
This is just my story, you have your own story and so does every other mama on the planet. And that’s why I don’t believe yelling is the issue. Yelling is a symptom. A sign that (in most cases) something isn’t working.
And everyone knows treating symptoms isn’t a great plan to get rid of any problem long-term. The only way to do that is to go deep and find the root cause.
The only way for moms to stop yelling at their kids (or anyone else for that matter) is to do these two things first:
- Acknowledge you have a problem and want to change.
- Do the real work to learn the root cause of why you yell.
If you’re reading this post and feel totally fine with when and how you yell at your kids, then you don’t believe you have a problem. And that may be accurate. We all know in our hearts when we’re not doing something the way we intended. If you have no issue… neither do I. I’ll never shame or point fingers at another mom until I walk a mile in her shoes.
My story is my story and shouldn’t be used to make another mother feel bad about her story. My goal is to support and encourage moms who believe they need to make a change… not convince another mom why I think she needs to change. I fully trust your own ability to do what is right with your family.
Less Yelling is a Happy By-Product…
But if you’re feeling stuck in a cycle of yelling and can’t figure it out… it’s time to do some work. That’s because you don’t have to yell unless you really want to.
You can become a mom that’s calmer and more playful than you’ve been in a long time.
One who’s not burnt out and overwhelmed to your max.
And get your kids to really listen without needing to scream every time.
If I can do it… you can do it.
Yelling less at our kids is simply a by-product of fixing the actual problem!
Several weeks ago, I stumbled on a funny mom blogger who made a video that caught a lot of attention. She was making a public plea to other bloggers and parenting experts to stop telling her (and other yelling moms) that she should stop yelling at her kids.
Why Moms Don’t Really Want to Yell
Why? Because she said her kids simply don’t listen until she yells. Period. That was the gist of the video. It made sense and I see why she got such positive praise for it. It was done in a very satirical and humorous way and I’m in no way judging this mom for what she said. But after I watched it, the lightbulb in my head turned on.
I realized moms don’t want to yell… we want to get our kids to listen so we don’t have to yell. The yelling isn’t really the problem and shouldn’t be the focus.
Now, what about the mom who feels snappy and uptight all the time and doesn’t remember the last time she felt joy in motherhood?
She’s like a ticking time-bomb that could be set off by anything… not just the kids. In fact, her kids could be doing all the normal kid stuff and still set her off. As a result, she feels overwhelmed by guilt.
She too needs help and again yelling isn’t the problem. It’s only a reflection of the fire on the inside.
If you’re a mom who’s stuck and feels alone… please hear me now. You are NOT alone! You are NOT a bad mom. And you do NOT need to spend your days in guilt and frustration. There is freedom for you.
I got to the end of my rope. I was tired of hiding and as a Christian mom, I felt even more shame because I felt like I was “suppose” to be walking in love and grace… not anger.
One day I surrendered my guilt, frustrations, and my pride before God and decided that it was time I committed to doing the work I needed in order to change.
There is Hope for the Mama Who Feels Alone
I did… and He helped me love myself again and find the grace I needed to overcome my challenges and now I love my life again. It’s been several years since I was in the thick of yelling and anger.
Yes, I have good days and bad days. Yes, I still yell in frustration now and then. But the cloud of burnout and anger is gone. I now have the tools to stay calm when I get overwhelmed and things get crazy in my house. And that’s a priceless gift I’m so grateful for.
One of my greatest tools was properly understanding my own emotions and state of mind when I was angry. My latest freebie is so amazing to help moms understand how to stay calm when their instinct is to react. You can grab your free Calm Down Cure copy here!
And up to now, I’ve kept my journey mostly to myself and my family. But now I feel a passion to share my story and pain with other moms who are walking the same path and want to experience freedom, peace, and joy in motherhood.
My yelling and anger were taking a very hard toll on the relationship I had with my kids. I knew I was damaging it at the time and needed to change. Now I have a wonderful relationship with my teenage daughter, my 9-year-old, and my toddler son.
I’m not the same uptight mom I used to be. I’m playful and fun which is something I never felt in those early days. And I even surprise myself of how calm I am in the midst of things that used to make me scream.
Finally, when I start feeling those familiar uptight, snappy, and edgy emotions creeping back in I know how to get rid of them. When that happens, I know I’ve neglected myself and allowed myself to fall into my old bad habits. This is a lifestyle and one that I’m grateful for that allows me to actually enjoy his awesome life and family I’ve been blessed with.
Do you relate to my story? How is your story unique? Share your thoughts on yelling or how you’ve overcome your own yelling story in the comments below!